What does it mean to know and experience my own "nothingness"? It is not enough to turn away in disgust from my illusions and faults and mistakes, to separate myself from them as if they were not there, as if I was someone other than myself. This self-annihilation is a worse illusion than the rest, because it is a pretend humility which in saying, "I am nothing" means in effect, "I wish I were not what I am". This comes from an experience of all of our failings, all of our deficiencies and an acknowledgement of our helplessness, but that does not alone produce any peace. To really know our nothingness…we must love it. But we can not love it, unless we come to terms with it, accept it as our own. That only comes from what I can only describe as a supernatural experience of our complete dependency, understanding we exist only as far as we accept our humility that loves and prizes that fact that we are morally helpless before God. Completely and utterly. To love our nothingness in this way we must divorce ourselves from all that is not us. We must see and admit that it is all ours and that it is all good. Good in that our nothingness reflects God's "everythingness"; good since our deficiencies. Our helplessness, our complete moral and spiritual bankruptcy attract the mercy of God. To love our nothingness we must love ourselves. Knowing that we have nothing we must not be afraid to beg God who has all. The proud love their "self sufficiency" in their own eyes. The humble love their very inadequacies. The more we are content with our own poverty, the closer we are to God, because then and only then can we accept our poverty in peace, expecting nothing from ourselves, and absolutely EVERYTHING from God. "May all your expectations be frustrated. May all your plans be thwarted. May all of your desires be withered into nothingness. That you may experience the powerlessness and poverty of a child and sing and dance in the love of God the Father, the Son, and the Spirit." - Henri Nouwen
Life is shaped by the end you live for….
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