It is always fascinating to read a candid confession from someone. Perhaps it is the voyeur in all of us, it's only way to explain reality TV. But when something is completely candid when there are no more secrets, no politics, or mind games just an objective look at events we can see truth. If the majority of Christians possessed the ability to make such a confession to themselves, to God and when necessary to men, how much stronger would the church be? We have met the enemy and the enemy is us."
The question arises why would we want to look at our past. I have run into many Christians who say forget your past sins and never think on them again. Perhaps the next time they ask why would I ever want to remember my sins I will offer them Augustine's answer, "I wish now to review my past wickedness and carnal corruptions of my soul-not because I love them, but that I may love You more, O God." I think knowing our past is a key in knowing our own motives and weaknesses. George Santayana said, "Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it." Sometimes I think it is profitable to look at our sins to gain insight into our own selves as well as appreciate the grace and faithfulness of God.
Augustine looks at his motives and how those actually play out. And I have myself thought this same way. We need to identify with how other see us. As Augustine reflects on his moral decay we see he knows he was "corrupt in Your eyes, but still pleasing in my own...As well as eager to please the eyes of others." Perspective is such a huge thing in all of life, and especially our Christian walk. We need to watch how we are portraying ourselves to man, to ourselves, and above all to God who knows our inmost being from the start.
So often, especially growing up in church, we are expected to always know right from wrong when it comes to our feelings. Augustine admits, "I was unable to distinguish pure affection from unholy desire." . There is not a boy that is a day over 16 who doesn't know exactly what Augustine meant. If even Augustine felt that way in his youth, there is hope for the rest of us I suppose.
A constant comfort in Christianity is the idea that we are not alone. And I think it was well expressed in Augustine's lament. "Your omnipotence is not far from us even when we are far from You." . Even in the darkest shadow, there is hope and it does not come from us.
"Behold this servant of Yours, fleeing from his Lord and following a shadow." (47) All of us at some point we have to make a decision, "choose this day whom will you serve" (Joshua 24:15-NIV) for the rest of our lives. We can spend it chasing after the wind as Ecclesiastes described or we can look for so much more. Behind all this world is something more, something better. We can choose the world, or God. As Fra Giovanni says, "The gloom of the world is but a shadow; behind it, yet within our reach, is joy. Take joy."
